Ban Assault Vehicles*
Author:
J. Kish, Vieth Sports Supply, Mentor Ohio
*NOTE THIS IS
SATIRE!
Pursuant to recent legislative events and heightened concern for public safety, the political climate is ripe for the following proposal.
As is well know, traffic accidents are the number one cause of death and injury in the United States. Trauma centers are choked with victims of reckless driving, overburdening health care facilities and the insurance industry. Past laws have been ineffective at curbing irresponsible and/or criminal behavior such as speeding and driving while under the influence of intoxicants. Therefore, what must be controlled is the free and easy access to dangerous and overpowered vehicles of foreign and domestic manufacture.
Proposal: Ban assault vehicles
An assault vehicle is a vehicle which by its appearance and capabilities inspires the driver to behave as if the nation's highways were competitive racetracks. The following are dangerous assault vehicles and should be banned from production and importation:
- Lamborgini Countach
- Ferarri Testarossa
- Toyota MR2
- Chevrolet Corvette
- Mazda Miata
- Mercury Capri
- Pontiac Fiero
- BWM 735i
- Acura Integra
- Nissan 300ZX
- Chevrolet Camero
- Mazda RX7
- Plymouth Laser
- Dodge Viper
- Dodge Stealth
- Ford Mustang
- Ford Probe
- Honda CRX
- Jaguar XJE
Also to be banned are any look-alikes of the listed vehicles as well as any vehicles possessing one or more of the following characteristics:
- Capable of speeds over 70 mph
- Ground effects
- Dual exhausts
- Performance tires
- Limited to dual seats
- Aerodynamic devices that protrude conspicuously from the rear of the vehicle
Vehicles possessing these features have no legitimate transportation purpose. Vehicles which are constructed with the capability of vastly exceeding the legal speed limit are produced for unlawful purposes and have no place in this society. Owners of these vehicles can have no purpose in mind for them other than to commit illegal acts that put the general public at risk.
Legislators should be petitioned and media support should be sought for this "common sense" measure. If only one fatality is prevented, the benefits will far outstrip the cost and inconvenience. Owners of such vehicles purchased before the ban is enacted should be required to register their vehicle as an "assault vehicle" with their state DMV. Failure to do so within a 90-day grace period should result in fining, imprisonment, and permanent revocation of driving privileges.
DO IT FOR THE CHILDREN !!!!
Questions, comments and criticisms can be directed to: Jeff
